2014 Reflections

For the first time in this "adult life",  I feel like I can truly say that I am proud of all the things I have accomplished this last year. I got by with the help of my friends, family and wonderful boyfriend. Most importantly, God was completely by my side with every little step that was made.

The year started off a little rough. I had no idea where I was going, what I was doing, who were my real true friends and just struggling with all the things that come with living life outside of college. Looking back on it now, I am really grateful for the place that God had me in. I was shaken. I was given things that helped me grow. I had a motivation and drive inside of me that helped me realize that I was not a prisoner to my situation. With Christ's help, I had the ability to do whatever I set my mind to. I had the year long goal to save up my money to a certain amount and then start looking for a new job in San Diego. That basic goal helped me get through the toughest days. I remember getting my paychecks and thinking, "Ok...I have about $$$ more to go. I can do it. It will take about 5 more months to get there, but I can do it." With each paycheck, I allowed myself $100 of spending money till my next pay day while I put the rest away. Living at home, it was nice since I had no real bills to pay besides paying for my own gas and the occasional weekend trips to see Matt in San Diego. It took a lot of self discipline, but I had managed to achieve my goal faster than expected.

What really put my nose to the grind was when I started to notice things change where I once was. Turnover. People leaving. Someone questioning who I was and my capabilities. My integrity was questioned and I had never felt so determined to work my butt off for something that I wanted. I was determined to not let those feelings of anger get in the way of pursuing my dream. I had many people in my life tell me I couldn't do something. I was not about to let it happen again.

I researched and researched and researched until I knew the in's and out's of Indeed.com and with Matt's help, decided to really push myself and use the precious gifts that God has given me. Matt and I made a visual cover letter to help me stand out in the job market. Then, long and behold, I got a job interview and then another. Matt's family friends had their own company in San Diego and they saw my video. They wanted to meet me and to see if I would make a good fit for their company. I couldn't believe it! My dream of moving to San Diego was so close! I got down to SD and had my interview and then a 2nd one that same day.

I spent a couple more weeks at my last job, not knowing what was to come. I knew that if I kept working for the Lord and not for men that God was going to be faithful. He would give me the perseverance I needed to get by till something came my way. Then one day in San Diego, I got a call when I was going to dinner with Matt and found out that Legacy wanted me to be a part of their team. I was SO excited and SO grateful!!! It was such a blur...all I remember was saying thank you multiple times on the phone and probably looking like a nerd dancing outside the restaurant we were at.



........


Fast forward to this moment. I am sitting in my apartment in San Diego writing this up and I am still in complete amazement at how things have just fallen into place. Things like Sierra being able to be my roommate, living 5 minutes from work, living 2 minutes from Matt, having an amazing job with amazing people who have become good friends. It wasn't easy. Many tears were shed in 2014. Many worries were prayed up to the Lord. Many things were uncertain. I almost quit. I wanted to give up.

However, God came to my rescue. When I felt alone and forgotten. God never quit. He was the one who got me through it. He is the one to thank for the year 2014.

The Thief of Memories: Alzheimer's Disease

I can't sleep. So let me tell you a story.



Today was the day that I worked in Memory Care. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle whenever I go in. I don't know how my residents will be. They could be happy, lazy, tired or agitated. Luckily today, they were kind of groggy, so I sat down with them and read them a chapter of "To Kill A Mockingbird". As I was reading, I was constantly aware of the new resident in the room. Let's just call her 'Hope' to keep her identity safe.

Hope had just moved in with her husband, 'Steve'. However, Steve did not live in Memory Care. Steve lives in our independent building. The day I heard about them moving in, I knew that he had chosen Park Terrace because of the Memory Care unit we provide. The day I met Steve, he came down to play some blackjack. The first thing I noticed about him was how kind, sweet and gentle he was. Whenever he would lose to me, he would chuckle, make a funny remark and hand over his chips. He was very generous too. He offered his chips to a woman who had never played blackjack with us and when she asked if it was ok, he simply said, "It's not a problem at all."

I would see Steve walk back and forth from the main building to Memory Care. I would say hi and ask him where he was going. "Oh I am just going to go eat lunch with my wife. She likes company." My heart melted every time I saw him walking over to memory care very slowly using his walker. It was (still is) so adorable.

It was a very different experience when I had met his wife Hope.

It was a Sunday and I went into Memory Care to take down some old decorations. My co-worker was calling Bingo and I noticed that Hope was sitting off to the side. She was not happy. Every time he would call a number, she would start yelling at him in jibberish. A sign of agitation in someone who has Alzheimer's Disease. I was taking stuff down when my co-worker says to me, "Be careful taking stuff down around Hope. She's been hitting and throwing things." For some reason, it did not scare me. I began to take things down around her, trying to put myself in her shoes.

Here she was in a strange place and there was someone calling out numbers in "her" living room. Of course she was agitated. Who was this strange man in her living room?! I decided to introduce myself. "Hello, Hope. My name is Jessie. How are you today? How are you and Steve?"

Instant change in demeanor. Her face went quickly from looking aggressive to a huge smile on her face,
"Oh, hello! sdashvscacasmdfas if you drink sfhd;asjfda;fjasf I have not seen Steve asd;lhfvnacasfjdafa don't eat too much ds;afamsac."

I could not make out what she was saying, but I knew something inside her clicked. I was still a little unsure. She was well into the last stages of Alzheimer's Disease. I went on my way, but I was still bothered by it.

.....

The next day, I decided to give her husband, Steve, a call to see if I could find out more about his wife. Unfortunately, he was unable to talk because it was a rough day. He was with Hope and she was reliving the memories of losing her mother. I understood and told Steve that I would try to contact him some other time.

Someone who has Alzheimer's Disease (depending on the stages) will relive some of the most devastating memories of their lives. Over. And over. And over again. Can you imagine that? The saddest moment in your life. And it resurfaces every day. Hour. Minute.

.....

After today, I left Memory Care and ran into Steve. He was, again, making his slow journey over to check in on his wife. I asked him how he was and that I hope he and Hope were having a better day. I could tell he looked tired. I then got into a short conversation with him about Hope. Asking him what she used to like to do.

"She used to love doing arts and crafts. She was really good at that. I've tried to help her get back into it. Unfortunately, I would hand her a brush to use to paint, but she would tell me she doesn't want to do it anymore or that she wasn't interested...things have changed so much in the last year. I keep remembering how she used to be and who she is now..." He began tearing up, "...it makes me cry just thinking about it." As he said that, he pointed to an old picture on his walker. It was an old black and white picture of Hope.

My heart tightened. The only thing I know what to do in moments like that is to just hug the person. So, I gave Steve a hug and let him know that I know what he was going through because my grandpa also had Alzheimer's Disease. He was not alone.

Steve smiled and said a thank you and walked away to join Hope in Memory Care.

.....

What a beautiful form of love in Steve. He is a man who loves his wife for better or for worse. I am so amazed at what a gentle and loving soul this man is. And although he may not know it, I am so touched by his story. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how hard it must be for him.

Not only Steve and Hope, but for all the husbands, wives, sisters, brothers and families struggling with the Thief of Memories: Alzheimer's Disease.

My hope is that one day there will be a cure. If not a cure, than a prevention of the disease. I hope that this little story touches your life. I hope that you will pray for this beautiful little elderly couple who are one of the millions of people who are affected by Alzheimer's Disease. I hope that you check out the Alzheimer's Association website (Click here) to find out more about the disease and how to donate or help out this amazing organization so near and dear to many.

Lastly, may we see these people through our loving Savior's eyes. That although their minds are wasting away, these people still know and sense what loving kindness is. It is something that connects all humans together. Love.

1 Corinthians 13:7-8

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails."

In Her Memory

Work was rough this week.

I came into work on Sunday, clocked in, said 'good morning' to a few of my old folk and walked into my office (aka the gym). The first thing I do every morning is check my email.

Junk mail...junk mail...then my heart dropped. (For censorship purposes, I will call her by her nickname that she loved).

"DJ-passed away"

 "WHAT?!" I literally said out loud in my office.

It's never fun getting those emails in the morning. It's not fun to find out through email that one of your favorite residents passed away. Especially out of the blue. I had JUST seen her. Spoken to her. Laughed with her. I just couldn't believe it.

This was the first resident that I was actually close to that had died. They constantly tell you that it's "part of the job", "it's life", "it happens"....but I really don't take it that lightly.

DJ was one of the first residents that had moved in when I started working. I got to talk one-on-one with her to get to know her and figure out her interests. She told me she loved theater and she loved ballet. She used to do a lot of that, but she had lost strength in her legs to do any of that anymore. She moved from using her walker to being wheelchair bound in the 7 months she had been at the community. One of my co-workers told me that when she first arrived, she was constantly asking where I was. I loved seeing her everyday in exercise class despite her limited mobility. And boy, did she love to laugh. She was full of compliments, she loved to chat and she loved fashion. My first impression of her was that she was one of the prettiest older ladies I had ever met. Striking blue eyes, a pearly white smile and even though she wore a wig, the red hair complimented her flawless porcelain skin. I told her she reminded me of Lucille Ball. She would laugh and say, "I get that a lot."

Not only was she beautiful, she was so kind. Everyone at work LOVED her. It was because she had a way with people. She would talk in such a way that you always felt good when you walked away from her.

I will miss DJ so much. It's hard because I don't know whether DJ knew who Jesus was...I wish I knew and I think that's what makes it so difficult. I really hope that heaven has gained a new angel.

Rest in Peace, beautiful DJ. You will be so missed.

A Poem By Scott Bruton

Although you were once young and free
and once had places you had to be,
with hair now gone you're like a fawn
cold and lost and lonely

Where am I? you scream and shout
How could this be? you sit and pout
Nowhere to turn you're lost to yearn
For the life you used to tout

For all you know, for all you had
It was only a passing fad
Now you lurk where you once worked
Retired, old, and mad



-Scotty B.


Thanks for the laugh!

Adrift with Switchfoot

The guys of Switchfoot have been gifted to make some awesome music. And I'm not talking about just their awesome guitar solos and what have you. I'm talking about their lyrics. I look up to these guys a lot. Jon Foreman has become one of my heroes over the years. I can't help but feel a super weird connection with them. Before I tell you why, let me give you some background.


When I was in jr. high, I struggled with identity like most people do. However, you feel like you are the only one in the world who feels that way. I was a shy girl. Especially in the 7th grade. Yes. I know. Hard to believe that now, but that was me. I would hardly talk at all in any of my classes. Instead, I would observe those around me. I'd take in every conversation, every move, every outfit, every popular talk going on...it was humorous at times because I would listen and then think in my head about how stupid people were. Most of the time, I felt alone.


One day, I had gotten a Now CD. I don't know what number it was. I bought it because I wanted to see if there was a band I would like. So many kids at school talked about music and bands they liked, but I had no idea where to start. I felt really lame because I didn't even know where to find "cool" music, clothes or anything.


I listened to the CD and "Dare You To Move" came on. The beat of the music really caught my interest. What was that? A guitar? I think I'm on the right track!


Then, I heard Jon Foreman's voice sing some profound lyrics that I've never heard quite like anything before. Lyrics that really got me hooked. They really began to stir the questions in my mind that I had built up, but for some reason, I could not express them in words until I heard Jon sing them. The very lyrics dared me to think. That music was much more than a beat. Switchfoot uses their gifts to give people hope. To inspire people to think about the life after this one. Jon Foreman sings with his heart and lets those emotions become raw. The lyrics point to God despite Switchfoot being very subtle about using Christ's name. The good fruit in these lyrics are obvious though. God is very much in their music.


To an 11 year old girl, this was significant. It was a huge blessing to find this song and this band. Heck, they were from San Diego! Which got me curious about San Diego. Which lead to Point Loma. So you could say Switchfoot kinda had an influence on me.


I might sound crazy, but I just love this band. I love the philosophical lyrics, theological truths, emotions and beats. It is music that stirs my soul and makes me long to meet Jesus face to face. It makes me long to have the hard discussions with my Creator. To earnestly seek after Him with everything I do. And to not overlook anything because God might be in it somehow.

Switchfoot was a light to me in a very hard/awkward time. That is why they are my favorite band. 

To My Dearest Friends

I miss writing late at night. I used to do it all the time when I was in college (Holy crap! Past tense!). I miss knowing that I was the only one awake in my apartment and I would scribble down random thoughts, ideas, poems, tangents and other random little entries in my journal or on one of my blogs. I thought I'd write one for my dear friends. You know who you all are...

I was driving home tonight thinking about all my friends. It was seriously like a flash. A bunch of people began to flood my mind. My heart ached a little bit because I miss SO many people in my life. I don't get to see some people as often as I would like, but the happy memories help make me feel close. The late nights, the trips, the random exchanges of laughter in a cafeteria, the goofy pranks that we'd pull on each other at Summer Camps, the BBQ's, exploring Big Sur, growing up together...SO many wonderful memories.

I miss the conversations. All sorts of conversations. Difficult, fun, life changing...

I feel so grateful to God for the people that He has given me. Past and Present. Those friends who would comfort you into the late evening with words of encouragement and love when life was dragging you down. The friends who didn't care what others would think just to make you laugh. The friends who would stop what they were doing to pray for you. Not just once, but throughout the week! The friends who would even love you even when you couldn't love yourself. Even the friends who may have hurt you, but through difficult times, you became even closer.

I want this short entry to reflect my heart and the deep love that I have for all those people who have touched my life. The ones who encouraged me when life was hard and the ones who laughed with me when times were joyous.

I especially want to thank the Lord for giving me the bestest friends a girl could ever ask for, hope for or pray for. My friends reflect my Savior. My Savior is freaking awesome.




A-to-the-men! :)

Answered Prayers

A little background to catch you up.

I fully believe that God gave me this wellness assistant job for a reason and that He handpicked it for me. Its a great first job, its close to my house and the pay is fairly good and they were looking for someone creative. It fit perfectly. However, they wanted me to work on Sundays. I was hesitant at first, but I just had this feeling that things were going to be ok if I took it. Hesitant because I knew I'd have to sacrifice not going to church on Sundays at Grace anymore. I had recently read a book by John MacArthur  about dealing with stress and worry. Since thats all I did before coming across this opportunity...and I was definitely stressing and worrying about this issue of days they needed me.

After praying about it, I knew God was saying, "You need to trust me. I am giving you this job. I will make a way for you to still grow and spend time with me. Just keep trusting me and keep jumping on the opportunities I give you." I am glad I listened...

I work Sunday-Thursdays now with really good hours. Thursdays have become my Fridays and Sundays have become my Mondays. My home church did have a Sunday night service, but if I am honest, after working all day with people and then realizing I had to get up and do it again the next day, Sunday nights didn't sound too appealing...I wanted to be fully rested and at the same time hang out with people even after service ended.

I started to become very lonely and worried that I was never going to be able to go to church as long as I was working at PT. Then one day, my lovely friend Jamie told me that Saddleback Church was starting up small groups. Kinda funny since I attended Saddleback's service with Matt while Pastor Rick introduced the new small group series. I wanted to get involved and it was great that Jamie reached out to me, so I was without excuse to join. I knew it was God answering prayer too because it was on THURSDAY NIGHTS ( my Fridays!!). That meant I had no obligations in the morning and could fellowship for as long as I wanted to.

I feel wonderful to say that Jesus has supplied my needs/wants. My need for fellowship, to meet new people, to have a mentor, to grow in His Word and to have a devo series to go through with my small group.

I am so happy that God put these girls in my life too. There are so many different backgrounds, stories, struggles and gifts. I am excited to get to know everyone and I feel so inspired by these girls. Each one wants to know more about God. And that makes me want that too.

I am just glad that God answered my prayer. I am glad that the Holy Spirit lead me here. And I just wanted to share.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8.

Haters Gonna Hate

This is the honest truth. My job is not easy. Its not easy to get up everyday to do the same thing over and over again. Its not easy to go into work to only hear people complain, whine and groan about things that really don't matter. Its not easy to hear time and time again how young you are, that you don't know anything because you're young. Its not easy to be passive aggressively disrespected constantly because of your age.

Its annoying. And by the grace of God I haven't opened my mouth to spit venom back at the people who don't believe in me, don't respect me and who aren't grateful for my team and what we do. I can feel my eyes turn into daggers as people talk down on me or who tell me I'm not good enough. Not smart enough. Not talented enough.

Ok. I may be small. I may be petite. I may be skinny. I may be young, but I know who I am. I am created in the image of God. He has bestowed upon me gifts that are individually unique to me. My DNA is unique. You might not think I am capable, but with the strength of my God beside me, your opinions of me don't matter in the end. Its dust in the wind.

When people talk down on me though, I can't help but feel the hairs in the back of my neck stick up. I want to control my fiery, spunky temper that I have (I hide it pretty well...), but honestly I want to tell people that I didn't get my Dumb Ass degree in "I don't know what the hell I'm doing". It motivates me so much to prove them wrong. When I am assigned something by my boss, I do a damn good job. So, haters gonna hate...

This verse keeps me going: 1 Timothy 4:12. I prove all of them wrong when I love fiercely instead of caving in to my anger or frustration. I will continue to set an example no matter what people tell me. Because in the end, it's God saying, "Good job my good and faithful servant".

Friend Ships

Sorry for all the nautical references. I just dig nautical things. Side note: Switchfoot released a song earlier this week from their new album called "Saltwater Heart" and it's my theme song right now.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about my friends lately. Possibly because that's what happens when you look through your photo albums of college life. When I was at school, I was surrounded by friends. And even on weekends when I was home, my friends in M.V. always knew how to have a good time.

Here I am sitting alone and reminiscing about the good times had. I am going to be honest with you, guys. I feel alone a lot of the time during the week. I don't get to see my friends as much as I would like to due to having a full time job and my friends working or doing their own thing. Last week, I managed to hang out with friends after work even while being sick, so I give myself a high-five for that and thankfully, I have an amazing boyfriend who knows how to make me laugh even when I feel like crap. You're my favorite, Sparky!

I guess the point I am trying to make as I type these things out is this: I miss my friends terribly. Not just my college friends, but everyone close to me. Youth Group. Mount Hermon. Childhood. High School. Yeah...

It seems like everyone's on their own journey. Trying to discover more about themselves. Seeing who they want to be. Maybe that's why they call them friendships. Someone comes to port in your life for a little while, you have a good time, make memories and then its full speed ahead. They never really leave your life. It's just a "See you later" or "See you soon".

I just miss everyone.

Simple as that.