A Picture Holds A Thousand Words

This is a very personal entry, so bare with me.

In college, I struggled with insecurities like most girls. I was mean to myself. If you could've made the inner voice in my head into a person, you'd be appalled at how horrible this person would be. I didn't think I was pretty. I didn't think I was worth anything. I hated how emotional my heart was. I believed the lies. I held on dearly to what God's Words said about me to combat those lies. That I was dearly loved and that no matter what I did, God was always going to love me. I wondered if I was ever going to meet a man who treated me well. Who was kind and gentle. Who respected me. Who appreciated me. I used to write poems late at night that were more like prayers. I wondered if I was beautiful.
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Fast forward to our engagement shoot. It was really windy &, at the time, I was too worried about my hair (haha). Weeks later, I looked through all the beautiful pictures. And came across one that just stuck with me. This is the picture you will see. Then, I found a poem that I wrote back in 2010. It was a prayer to the Lord. I needed & desperately wanted some sort of affirmation from Him. I did get my affirmation at the time by reading my Bible. What I didn't know, was that He was going to literally answer & remind me years later that He is a God who always keeps His promises. That He loves me. He always hears me. He will always provide for me. And that He is with me through every storm, every wonderful moment & every trial that I will face. He was speaking to me that day. And I was worried about my hair.

 So, look at this picture & please read the poem. May this bring Him glory. If you are struggling with the same questions that I once did (and still do at times), know that God so loved you that Jesus came & gave us a new found hope. I know now just how God feels about me.

Am I Beautiful?

Lemme know I am Beautiful...

I want to feel pretty again...

Please tell me I am Beautiful...

The devil's lie is hitting me hard...

Tell me I am Beautiful...

So many things are convincing me that I am not...

Lemme know that familiar hold on my heart...

Lemme know there is a man out there who will treat me like a jewel...

Tell me I am Beautiful by the way you make him look at me...

Tell me I am Beautiful by the way he looks at me...

Tell me I am Beautiful by the way the wind blows my hair...

Tell me I am Beautiful by the way the mist of the ocean air kisses my skin...

Lemme know that you think I am Beautiful...

All I need is Your affirmation...

Lemme know that that is all I need...

I Have Found the One Whom My Soul Loves...

I've been waiting SO long for you...I knew you were out there. I prayed for you, wrote letters to you before even knowing you & dreamed about you my whole life. I never really was a girl who believed in fairy tales, but then I think of our story. The perfect romantic comedy. Girl falls for the boy next door. Friends falling in love.

You make my heart flutter. You give me butterflies. You make me laugh uncontrollably. You make me feel whole & you've helped me become the best woman I can be. You're the missing piece to my puzzle. My best friend & the love of my life.

Matthew James Sparks...I can't wait to be your wife!

Thank you, Jesus, for my man.

Faith or Fear?

I've always lived a life plagued by fear. To some, I may put on a facade and look like I'm confident. But to others who know me very well, I am a constant worry wart.

What will they think of me?

What if I don't make it?

What if this isn't the right decision?

What if I can't afford to live?

Constant worries and fears flood my brain and cloud my soul from seeing the provisions that my Heavenly Father gives me. Lately, I've had to think of a big decision that's been weighing heavily on my heart for months. Its a complete leap of faith and I've been constantly in prayer, spilling out my heart and anxieties to God.

For a while, I have been running away from the gifts the Lord has given me. The past few months, I know that God has opened doors for me and provided. However, upon entering those doors, He has revealed to me who I was meant to be, what I was meant to do and what I was created for. Upon seeing this, I was fearful.

"But Lord! Why now?! I'm so scared! What if I can't pay my bills? What if I can't?"

Can't. Won't. FEAR.

For weeks, I have been in constant prayer, seeking advice from people who know me best and reading my Bible. Everything points to this one decision.

However, the only one getting in the way of it is ME. I've been constantly shaking off all the words of encouragement, advice and prayers. Thinking, "No, it's a coincidence. It just so happens to be this way" or "They're just saying this because they are trying to be supportive".

Right now, I can just imagine what the Lord would say to me. He's been piercing through my veils that I constantly try to shield myself with. Things such as just so happening to listen to one of my church's sermons at work when it's been MONTHS since I've done that. The very message was about fear and faith. As Christians, we are told, no, COMMANDED to live a life of faith. Fear has no room in a relationship with Jesus. Will I live a life of faith or live a life of fear? If I lived a life of fear, this means I do not trust in Jesus and all the things He said He'd do. It's not a thing to take lightly. If I say "Yes, Jesus! I believe and trust in you", but the second He's asked me to do something in my life and I say "Oh...wait just a second, Lord. I need to save up first" or "Ummm...what? No, I can't do that. The cons out weigh the pros".

If I am teaching my kids on Sunday to have faith and not be afraid, but on Monday I let fear reign, that makes me a hypocrite.

God's words have been resonating in my heart and mind for weeks. You cannot serve God and money. Whoever loses his life will find it. Take up your cross and follow me. Do not be anxious. Your Heavenly Father provides for the sparrows. You are valued much more than they. Trust me. Trust.

I prayed for peace that surpasses all understanding regarding this decision. This week, I do have peace that far outweighs my anxiety. Faith that may be small as a mustard seed, but hey, I can move some mountains, right?

So when fear creeps in, we have FREEDOM to chose. We aren't prisoners of our fears. We have been set free to chose faith.

And a life of faith is an adventurous, mind blowing way to live. Faith lets us experience a Living and breathing God who cares and loves you and who will provide for you in ways you can't imagine.

I want fear to lose and I want faith to win for once in my life.

A Child's Prayer

Tonight was special.

Tonight, one off my girl's wanted to share with me what God had laid on her heart. We took a Spiritual Gift test tonight with the kids and this little girl got "Prophesy: Discerning, judging & sensitive". The Spiritual Gift of prophesy is described as "...to “speak forth” or declare the divine will, to interpret the purposes of God, or to make known in any way the truth of God which is designed to influence people." (For more on this gift, click here) And prophesy she did tonight!

When I first met this little girl, she was very shy and kept to her self. I knew she was different just by the way she interacted with the other kids. She had some habits and I could tell she was very self conscience about them. But let's be real, I LOVE the kids that stand out in this way. They are literally the best because I know these kids are in need of God's love and I love serving them. Kids like this teach me so much more about God and that's something I get excited about. (I am also an includer and thrive off of making the shy/different kids feel special).

Anyways, this little girl opened up to me about how the Lord has been working on her heart and her eyes shone as she told me about how God has been so good to her through Ignite. Here is her brief story:

"Before Ignite, I didn't have a lot of friends. I struggled a lot with constantly hearing good and evil battle inside my head. Sometimes, the bad would be so loud. But, when I started coming to Ignite, things started to change. Especially at Winter Camp. I prayed that God would give me a friend before camp. Just one friend. Instead, I left Winter Camp with a cabin full of friends. I was also even able to help someone who was going through a hard time. God was so good to me. When people say there is no proof of God, I disagree because I look around at what He has done for me in my life. How can there not be a higher power? I love Ignite and I love what Jesus has done for me. He is very good."

This little girl is in 5th grade. May this little testimony influence you and encourage you as it did for me.

Amen, you guys. AMEN.

2016: Reflections

Ministry. Laryngitis. Winter Camp. Hawaii. Weddings. Concerts. Weddings. Challenges. VBS. Paranoia. Weddings. Sun. Fun. Weddings. Laughter. Justice. Ministry. New Full Time Job. New Apartment. Redemption. Transitions.

2016 was quite a season in my life. While the world around me was going through a lot, in my personal life, I could say that 2016 was one of the most memorable years of my 25 years of life.

Some people might not like New Years because they think it's corny and over rated. As humans, I believe we were created to reflect. How many times does God call us to reflect and remember all He's done for us? It's so we may not forget to look on the places where God has shed His Light and to remember the places where God showed up.

As I reflect back on 2016, I remember the challenges, but for the first time in a while, I can truly say that 2016 was one of the best years. I've grown so much. I know that might be said every year, but when I think back on all the blood, sweat and tears that were shed, I say that with confidence.
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2016 was a year of redemption in my life. "Ok, Jessie. Don't you think that's an exaggeration?"

No. No I do not.

Even as I type this up, I get a huge thrill looking back and seeing just how redeeming 2016 was! I've had friendships restored, kids who were once hard to deal with who are now growing in their relationship with Jesus, past struggles come to light and conquered thanks to (unknowingly) people who are in my present, justice brought on a criminal whom I once knew, seeing my brother become a missionary and so much more.

I wanted to write this entry to just reflect and to thank Jesus for providing. The thing that really blows my mind is that I know I complained a lot. I know I questioned whether God was going to provide or not. And I know I prayed sometimes asking God what the heck he was doing up there. Wasn't He listening? Didn't he see all the craziness? I had asked him. I even got mad at him.

And yet...

Here I am. With all these good, new and wonderful provisions. It makes me just want to fall on my knees. I am in awe and speechless by His goodness. My unfaithfulness doesn't reflect His goodness and faithfulness. He's remained true when I've believed lies. He's remained my rock when I feel like I am falling apart. He's been my protector when I've felt at my most vulnerable. He's been my truest friend despite me not catching up with Him from time to time.

He is my world because He has provided for me more than what the world can offer.

And for that, I am thankful for the year 2016.