BLAH.

Oh, life...where are you going?

Why do you feel so lost?

Why do you feel so stuck?

What's wrong with you? With me?

Why is your heart heavy with each passing day?



God,

What the heck are you doing? What are your plans for me? Do you have plans for me? Cause right now, I am walking aimlessly.

I am apathetically waiting.

What do you want me to do? Where do you want me to go?! Why did you take away my original plans? Why did things change?

I'm kind of frustrated with you. I've been patient. haven't I? Why do I feel useless and scared? I'm scared of being useless, but useless being scared.

WHAT. IS. MY. FUTURE.

Face Lift

Hey ya'll,

My dear little blog was in terrible need of a face lift. So *boom*, name change and background change.

I started this blog dedicated to my experiences at camp up at Mt. Hermon. Well, I am happy to say that those posts are still there. Have fun digging through the entries. However, I know that that part of my life is done. Another chapter has closed and I know God moved in drastic ways in my life up at Mt. Hermon. I will never forget the experience for as long as I live.

Now a new chapter of my life commences. I do tend to go on tangents and try to make sense of things through writing, but I find that at the end of my entries I manage to make a point. My soul is on a journey. And just like the ocean, it is unpredictable. However, I have a great Captain and the Wind is my guide.

Who knows? Maybe I'll change it. Blogs now a days have such cute names. Who comes up with them?!?! Maybe this name change will be temporary until I think of a better name (it's so late and I am sun burnt and tired).

And I liked the background. What is life but a sail boat anyways?

Well, ciao.

Post-Grad Life

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22. Well...almost, but I am definitely having those young person worries, dreams, doubts and joys that T-Swift lays out there. For those of you who may have just graduated or have been out of school for a while, lets have an "I feel ya..." moment. And for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, this following blog entry may seem irrelevant for you.

To be quite frank (and this depends on each person)...

1.) I am dirt poor.
2.) I've been filling out resumes like no other mother....
3.) I am running out of ideas of what to say on my resumes. I kinda just want to put "Pokemon Master" under my skills section, but I want it to sound more professional.
4.) I feel like I've changed so much in the last 4 years of my life, that home feels like a shrunken old sweater. And I just look awkward and out of place.
5.) I feel like a whiny teenager and I want to just pinch myself every time I think "I feel like no one understands me." Truth is....most of you probably do.
6.) I think I've browsed all the online job boards out there.
7.) If I hear the question "Do you have a job yet?" one more time, I think I might crawl to the nearest corner and proceed to cry in a fetal position. Or rip all my hair out.
8.) What the hey? Where'd all my friends go?
9.) I wish they taught us in school how to boost your confidence when you STILL haven't heard back from the place that you applied to. And interviewed at. And called back.
10.) I'm bumming off my parents still. Its highly uncomfortable.
11.) Every time I call a place...and I hear that ringing....and they answer...I get so scared out of my mind and I see myself just hanging up. But somehow, I manage to sound cool and professional.
12.) The best part about interviews? I can wear the same outfit to different places. And no one will know.
13.) I have become a frugal crazy lady. A money Nazi. A Tight wad...with my wallet.
14.) I'm seeing these "YAY! I can't wait to go back to school" posts and I think to myself, 'Oh dear gosh...take me with you.' (I'm sure that will go away when I see homework posts...and then I'll just laugh and laugh and laugh ;) heehee)
15.) Money sucks.
16.) I miss my college friends like crazy.
17.) Money sucks.
18.) Rent would suck. (Did I mention I'm still living with my parents?)
19.) I look like a baby in professional get-up.
20.) The best thing about interviews is that I can be myself. I've learned from experience that if you think too hard...you will more than likely mess up and freeze.
21.) Cereal is still my best friend.
22.) I don't know what to do in my free time...so I apply to another job.
23.) My eye twitches when I think that I am now a part of the unemployed population. And that scares me.
24.) I feel...stuck.
25.) I am seriously grateful for my parents. I don't know where I'd be without there encouragment, love and support...and their home haha.
26.) I love having home cooked meals again.
27.) I do love having free time...but I freak out sometimes. Like...I pace my floor wondering what I'm gonna do with my life.
28.) I am still quite sassy in the late hours and I am sad because I miss being sassy with my roommates.
29.) I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up...and I'm a grown up.
30.) This post grad life is an awkward stage.
32.) I skipped 31.
33.) My parents have a bigger social life than I do.
34.) Older person: "Oh you've graduated? Bwhahaha welcome to reality."
35.) I'm surprised you made it to 35.
36.) I get tired at 10 now.
37.) Although this feels like the hardest stage of life...God has still been good and has showered His blessings like no other on my soul.

Those are my late night thoughts. That's a part of my life. But on a more serious note. I know God has a plan for me.  As the great Sheldon would say (Big Bang Theory anyone?), its kinda like Schrodinger's cat (click here). Or if you prefer Forrest Gump? Life is like a box of chocolates. You don't know what you're gonna get. Open up those boxes of opportunity, people. Go for it. We're young. Don't give up. You have a lot to offer the world. Use those talents.

Most importantly...now is the perfect time to learn what it means to wait on the Lord.

The Mind's Junk Drawer

So, when you are home after being gone for so long, what is one thing you do? I don't know about you, but I sometimes dig through my closet or junk drawer to look at old things. I tuck my hair behind my ears, sit cross-legged on the floor and shuffle through all the memories left in physical form through objects or old journal entries.

Some memories are hilarious (reading through my jr. high diary for example. HA!). Some memories are sweet. And some memories still leave a bitter taste in my mouth. We all have them. There are memories that you look back on and laugh. Then there are those that you just want to face-palm yourself over and over and over again. But at least those memories and experiences are left behind. Some forgotten. And some tucked away safe in a little box kept under your bed.

Since being home, I have been digging through a different junk drawer. One that is sometimes hard to get rid of.

The Mind's Junk Drawer...

I felt like the bold and italic fonts were a necessary emphasis. This junk drawer gets at me. Its that place where you sometimes go when left alone to ponder your thoughts. Some of these thoughts as dusty as the old objects in the back of your closet. You dread going there because that is where all the self-doubt, insecurities, fears, low self esteem, worries and silly thoughts reside. Some of the things in that junk drawer are conversations and experiences you have had with people. The painful ones. Where you question who you are, wonder what you will become and question your abilities and worth. The things people say to you, even when they don't mean it, effect you. Such as people judging you before they even get to know you. Before they even know your abilities. They see a few mistakes and judge your entire self on them. Or how you beat yourself up all the time.

 Yeah, ok. It only effects you if you let it. I know! But sometimes that's hard to do when you don't really know what's going to happen with your future. When you are seeing others getting jobs, getting hitched, doing something with their lives...that junk drawer sometimes decides to pop open. Spilling over into your brain and leaving behind the things that bug you. That's been my struggle lately. Under estimating myself and thinking that I can't do anything. I've had people in my life that have let me down. I've had people in my life laugh when I fall. Who think they know me when they don't. Who say I don't have the ability to do something when I know I can.

However, I want to clear this junk drawer.  Its time for some renovation. I want so badly to see myself through my Savior's eyes instead of someone else's. Why do we give so much power to someone who is a creation and not a CREATOR? I want to some day teach my children humble confidence. How can I do that when I struggle with silly things like caring about what other think of me? I may not be able to wipe them away completely by myself, but my Savior can. I might not be able to control this mind's junk drawer, but the Holy Spirit can. He lives in us, but He's only willing to work on you as much as you let Him. He's not gonna force you to surrender. Its like watching a small child ask his friend for some candy and the friend hesitantly gives his friend the tiny bits. God can only do so much by how much of your soul you are willing to give Him. Why? Because He is a patient and loving Father. Allowing His children to try to walk by themselves, but once they fall and realize they need help, He is always gonna be there.

So here's a message for all of you struggling with self-doubt: Stop. Pray. Read.

Philippians 4:13, "I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

Galatians 1:10, "For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Elderly Outreach: Seeing Jesus.

This last Saturday was technically our last outing for the semester to visit our Elderly friends in the home. It was a different one then usual. I was extremely blessed and God really knows how to touch my soul and trigger my heart strings.

As the routine goes, we walk into the foyer of the home where I was greeted by my sweet and spunky friend, Gaye. I have been talking to this woman for years and it was so sweet of her to greet me at the door. Soon after chatting with her for a little bit, my beautiful friend Geneva came to join us. This woman has been such a light in my life these past few months of knowing her. She loves Jesus with her whole being and you can just tell by the way her blue eyes shine and the way she laughs. She's always there for a hug.

As I was talking to these wonderful woman, Pastor John (the British chaplain of the home) comes in and greets us.

"I was just over at the hospital next door talking to Virginia! She misses you Point Loma kids so much! She's actually sitting right by the window. Would you like to visit with her? I'd be glad to take you over!"

For those of you who don't know Virginia, she is one of the oldest residents in the home. I believe she is around 93 or 94. She has been one of the residents that we always seem to introduce to other Point Loma kids because she is so full of life, love and happiness. She is also a strong believer in the Lord and it reflects off of her sweet demeanor and personality. Virginia has been in and out of the home due to health complications and it had been nearly a month since we'd seen her. So, I called my co-leader Natalie telling her what Pastor John told me and she came immediately with our friends who had come with us that morning.

As we walked into the hospital, Virginia was ecstatic to see us. She hugged us with tears in her eyes and laughter, "I am SO glad to see you girls! You all look just SO beautiful!" We all started talking with her for a bit, but then Pastor John came up to me and introduced me to a woman I had never met before.
"This here is, Josie. She's a fellow believer as well! She wanted to meet you girls when she found out you guys were Christians."
I had to admit...I was a little caught off guard by meeting her. I was a little hesitant because I wanted to talk to Virginia, but I decided to talk to this woman anyways.

She was so adorable. She had a timid look about her and she was kind of quiet and shy. She wore a long-sleeve teal blue shirt and she was wearing those soft, fuzzy yellow pajama pants. She had small short strides behind her walker. I introduced myself and asked if she would like to chat on the couch. She was a woman of few words and only gave me short, clipped answers at times. When we sat down I asked where she was from, what brought her here and how she was doing.

"Well, I grew up near the LA area. I'm here because I had taken a fall a few years ago. I've been suffering with depression because no one visits me anymore. You see, my closest family all died in the Iraq war. I still keep in touch with some cousins, but I never get any visitors. I've been really lonely."

The reason I do Elderly Outreach is for people like Josie. I knew I had to stay and talk with her. So I did. She noticed I had a CD with me. It was for my friend Jonathon because he had lent it to Sparks to copy, but Sparks was sick that morning and couldn't come so he had asked me to return it. She noticed that one of the songs on the CD was El Shaddai by Amy Grant (click on it and take a listen). She asked if I could play it because she loved that song. There was no CD player in the room, so I just looked up the song on my iPhone and had her listen to it.

As I sat there and listened and waited for the song to be over, the lyrics really hit me. I couldn't help but think of my years going to Elderly Outreach and how many little moments I have had, like this, that have really touched my soul.

"To the outcast on her knees,
You were the God who really sees,
And by Your might,
You set Your children free."

" Age to age You're still the same,
By the power of the name.
El Shaddai, El Shaddai,
Erkahmka na Adonai,
I will praise you 'till I die.
El Shaddai."

Despite her loneliness and depression, God was still very near to Josie. How beautiful it was to see Christ use me as a tool to be near Josie. All I did was offer my phone to let her listen to that song.

 But in that moment, I observed the Creator of the universe romancing a beautiful woman in her old age with a song that brought comfort, peace and hope. He never left Josie even in her old age. He was always near. Despite the depression or loneliness, Christ always found a way back in.

 In the little moments. Those little moments. If you blink, you will sometimes miss Him. Our God is a big God, but He works in small and quiet ways at times. He appeared as a burning bush. He appeared in the whisper of the wind. He appeared as a babe. And here, He appeared as a song to Josie. And I saw it.

When the song finished, Josie looked at me and excused herself to go to the restroom and I had to return to the home to finish up my visit. She asked me my name again. I gave it to her.

"Jessie. Thank you. I'll remember you." Then she walked away.

Little does she know that she blessed me even more. I'll remember her too.

God will be with me, like He is with Josie, for all my days.

If there is anything I've learned from Elderly Outreach from the last 4 years, its that.

Praise be to the Living God who pursues us, loves us and carries us. Amen, amen, AMEN!

Strength in Weakness

I am currently at work, sipping away on my scrumptious Carmel Macchiato that a good friend got me (I'm obsessed with carmel things) and enjoying the sound of the gentle tapping of my keyboard as I type these words. I don't really know who takes the time to read the musings of a 21 year old girl, but the thought of someone finding these words encouraging is uplifting in itself. And I thank you, whoever you are, if you happened to stumble across this little blog.

I've been thinking a lot about this past weekend. It was SO good. Better than good. Rejuvenating. Yeah, I'll stick with that. Anyways, I went snowboarding with my mom, Lindsay, Robin, Chelsey, Michelle and Barret. It was so much fun even though I stopped right after lunch after only 3 runs.

I simply got too tired and dehydrated to keep going on. I ended up sitting in the car, napping, reading and talking with God. During that solo time, I never thought that God would reveal something to me. I mean, there I was, really angry with myself that I couldn't suck it up and keep going. However, the thought of it was nauseating. I just had no strength. Feeling that way lead to a whole path of insecurities that started to surface in my mind. A domino effect of negativity. Thoughts like, 'Why am I so weak?', 'Why can't I do anything right?', 'I am such a disappointment...' etc. Negative after negative and to top it all off, my heart has been in the midst of deeper struggles than that. I was feeling pretty down in that car, so I decided to text my dad. I told him I felt bad because I felt like my parents wasted money on me. His reply? "No worries, sweetie! I would have paid it just to see for the fun we had last night." (The previous night we danced like a bunch of crazy people at a 50th birthday party).

That's when God began to speak to me. It didn't matter how many runs I did. He still loved me and I was His. It was so impacting at that moment. I began to argue back telling Him that I just wanted to make Him proud (because the last year of my life, I had just felt like I'd been messing up ALL the time). What if I did one more run for Him? To bring Him glory? He told me that it was just as important to know your limitations as well as your strengths. He told me to look at the mountain at all the people snowboarding. Then proceeded to say that a lot of the people who came to Snow Summit that day did not have that mind set (to bring Him glory by just snowboarding down a mountain). I had made him proud by the simple desire to want to bring Him glory with a simple thing. That encouragement from the Holy Spirit made all the negative thoughts disappear and was replaced by an unexplainable peace. In that moment, I was ok again and I had found strength in my weakness.

The Holy Spirit can speak to you at any point. For me, it was in a car at the bottom of the Snow Summit run. So random, but so good.

2 Corinthians 12:9
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Not Of This World

I am a Christian. I love Jesus with my whole heart, soul and mind. I fail Him often. I stumble. I am not perfect, but I know Jesus is forever with me. No matter how many times I want to give up. No matter how many times I am laughed at or made fun of for my beliefs. No matter how many tears are shed because sometimes telling people about the Gospel can not only be joyful, but also painful. Painful because not everyone else views the Gospel as the most glorious thing and the most precious gift God has given man-kind. But instead, the world mocks you, spits in your face, tells you you're close-minded, raid your homes, kill your loved ones and may even kill you for standing up for the Kingdom that has been established by the Prince of Peace, King Jesus.

I've been thinking a lot lately. A lot about where my country is heading. My stomach churns at seeing some of the things that are going on in the news. How the Christian voice is being silenced in our government. How Christianity is considered offensive. How people hate Christians because they believe we are judgmental which is hypocrisy because in turn, they are judging us. Yes, we are human too, but we have come to realize the Truth. Being a Christian doesn't instantly mean we become perfect people, but instead its a public statement that we have seen our own sin and understand that we need forgiveness from the Way, the Truth and the Life...that being through Jesus' sacrifice on that cross. The only perfect person. The Son of God. The perfect sacrifice. In trusting that He is the only way for salvation, we bear our own crosses, deny ourselves and try to lead in Jesus' example within our everyday lives. To stand up for the Truth and to proclaim the same Words that Christ had spoken.

However, the older I get, the more I come to realize how tough it is to be a stranger in a foreign land. I am not home. This world is not my home. My heart breaks because people that don't know Christ will never understand. Will never empathize with you on your views. Will think that you hate instead of love. For example, if I ever tell someone I don't approve of homosexuality, I would be considered anti-gay, a hater, an extremist, too close minded. But in saying that about me without even knowing me or asking me why, aren't you the one judging me? Aren't you the real hater? Aren't you the real extremist?

Just because I don't agree with someone does not mean I hate them. If anything, I am called to love. The real Christian would know this and live this out. The real open minded person would open the Bible and see for themselves why Christians believe what we do and what Christ has called us to do.

The more I hear the things happening in our world, the eerier it gets because everything that Christ has talked about is coming true. The world hates us for Him (John 15:18-19).