2016: Reflections

Ministry. Laryngitis. Winter Camp. Hawaii. Weddings. Concerts. Weddings. Challenges. VBS. Paranoia. Weddings. Sun. Fun. Weddings. Laughter. Justice. Ministry. New Full Time Job. New Apartment. Redemption. Transitions.

2016 was quite a season in my life. While the world around me was going through a lot, in my personal life, I could say that 2016 was one of the most memorable years of my 25 years of life.

Some people might not like New Years because they think it's corny and over rated. As humans, I believe we were created to reflect. How many times does God call us to reflect and remember all He's done for us? It's so we may not forget to look on the places where God has shed His Light and to remember the places where God showed up.

As I reflect back on 2016, I remember the challenges, but for the first time in a while, I can truly say that 2016 was one of the best years. I've grown so much. I know that might be said every year, but when I think back on all the blood, sweat and tears that were shed, I say that with confidence.
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2016 was a year of redemption in my life. "Ok, Jessie. Don't you think that's an exaggeration?"

No. No I do not.

Even as I type this up, I get a huge thrill looking back and seeing just how redeeming 2016 was! I've had friendships restored, kids who were once hard to deal with who are now growing in their relationship with Jesus, past struggles come to light and conquered thanks to (unknowingly) people who are in my present, justice brought on a criminal whom I once knew, seeing my brother become a missionary and so much more.

I wanted to write this entry to just reflect and to thank Jesus for providing. The thing that really blows my mind is that I know I complained a lot. I know I questioned whether God was going to provide or not. And I know I prayed sometimes asking God what the heck he was doing up there. Wasn't He listening? Didn't he see all the craziness? I had asked him. I even got mad at him.

And yet...

Here I am. With all these good, new and wonderful provisions. It makes me just want to fall on my knees. I am in awe and speechless by His goodness. My unfaithfulness doesn't reflect His goodness and faithfulness. He's remained true when I've believed lies. He's remained my rock when I feel like I am falling apart. He's been my protector when I've felt at my most vulnerable. He's been my truest friend despite me not catching up with Him from time to time.

He is my world because He has provided for me more than what the world can offer.

And for that, I am thankful for the year 2016.

To My King

Jesus,

I am so confused nowadays. There are so many voices. So many opinions. So many 'this' or 'that' or 'you would do this' or 'you should do that's...

People claiming that if I am a follower of you, I shouldn't vote that way or shouldn't vote this way or BLAH BLAH BLAH! I JUST WANT TO TELL PEOPLE TO SHUT UP (I know that's not right, Father. UGH)

It's so loud. It's so annoying. And I am tired. I almost don't want an opinion. I don't know what is right when it comes to this state of my country. I am sad, hurt, confused, angry and fatigued. Please, remind me of your truths and despite what is going on right now, help it not distract me from your call and your voice.

Jesus, I am glad you are my friend. You bring me such comfort and peace on night's like this. I don't feel alone and I know you hear me. I may not "feel" you at times, but your Word reassures me that you are here. That's comforting to me.

What's also comforting is that you are here through your servants. That the Holy Spirit is in control and His Light is still strong even in this dark world. I know that you have given your Spirit to those who've chosen to follow you. This includes  your followers who are in politics, healthcare, military, social work...everywhere.

You are here with us and You know exactly what is going on.

Jesus, please give me faith when I am scared. Give me faith when I feel like the world is caving in. Help me to fight the evil that is apparent in this world. Help me to not lose my heart of flesh and to not let my heart grow cold. Help me to continue to just Love people.

Jesus, lastly, please help those who are hurting and calling others names and hating and killing all because they think it's the "RIGHT" thing to do. Jesus, forgive them and forgive me. For we do not know what we do.

In your name,

Amen

The Gardener and the Seeds

Working in the garden is hard work.

There are weeds to pull.

Holes to dig.

Seeds to water.

Blisters to tend to.

With experience, those blisters start becoming calluses. Most people don't think blisters are a good thing. Although painful, blisters become more useful over time. Your hands become stronger and they are able to grip the tools harder and persist through a hard days work.

Sweat drips into your eyes at times and you wonder if your seeds are ever going to make it. Some seeds might make it for a little while, but then stop growing. Others, will get choked out by weeds. Some seeds soil may not have been as enriched, so the seeds don't take root.

Then, there are seeds who take root and blossom. They grow towards the sun and they bloom into beautiful plants that will produce the most fruit.

People in ministry are the gardeners. What a privilege it is to be able to be able to plant seeds for Christ. Sometimes, we may not see the effects of our labor now, but overtime, we may be lucky enough to see the fruits of our long hours, tears, frustrations and most importantly...the love we have for our little plants.

Despite how hard my job is and how many nights I just want to lift my fists towards the sky and shake them in the air, I love my kids with my whole heart. Despite how sometimes I feel they don't listen or care what I am doing, deep down, I know how sacred my role is. I am constantly humbled and so grateful to be able to disciple these kids for my Lord. One day, I will have to let some of them go, but I know that God is going to take care of them. No matter what.

The Ugly Heads

How much green are we feeding the talking heads?

Trending stories relating to what is dead.

Chattering tongues, lies through teeth, fingers pointing...

Cover ups, fake smiles, blue suits, white lies.

Your marionette's strings are getting thin.

It's getting hard to disguise the wear.

The invisible sin.

Lost at Sea

The night has a way of making your brain spin with countless thoughts of 'what if's...

Tonight, I feel a deep sense of melancoly. How come I have been too afraid of pursuing my dreams? I dream of design, yet my insecurities scream at me. They keep telling me that my kind of art is not what professional design agencies are looking for. They tell me that I don't have what it takes to apply to a design agency that wants people who are proficient in design programs.

What if they are right? What if I am not good enough...? Graphic Designers have their programs and their awesome keyboards and mouse. I am old fashioned and still work hard with my pencils and paints. Am I wanted? Is my art wanted?

I love my job right now and love the difference I get to make in kid's lives. But...I feel like I am called to do more. To explore my other gifts and to push myself in a direction that I am out of my comfort zone.

Jesus...where do you want me to go from here? Do I explore? Do I stay? I feel a little lost...please give me some direction. I know you said you want me to design. But WHERE? HOW? By myself? On Etsy? At an agency? WHAT?!?!

My Beautiful America

Some may think this title is odd with all that is happening in this country. However, I am not posting this as another "opinion" piece, but more as an invite into my mind and my heart. Into the thoughts that have traversed through my mind over the last 24 hours. A conversation piece between my sinful nature and between my all powerful God who loves amidst the darkness.

God,

So much evil. So much darkness. So many opinions. And so much restlessness.

Father, where are you?

My beautiful America. She is being plagued with injustice. Her robes are being defiled by the prince of darkness. He is manipulating her. Lying to her. Abusing her. Mistreating her. He is putting her children against her. Against each other.

My beautiful America...land of the free. Home of the brave. One nation under God.

Lord, I don't see that America. I see fear, anger, hurt and hate. These things have no color. It is blatantly right or wrong.

Jesus, I wish more people knew of you. You came and you mourned with those who mourned. You spoke up for those who were being mistreated. At the same time, you said to both parties "Love the Lord above all. Second, to love your neighbor as yourself."

To remain positive is good. Your children of light are praying. We are praying.

However, there are still those who try to love their neighbor, but forget the first step into doing that: to love You. We cannot love one another unless we have your perfect Spirit within our hearts. Perfect love casts out fear. You dying for all of us is that perfect love. It broke barriers. And it healed many.

Father, our country is in terrible need of your loving embrace. We need leaders who stop pitting us against one another. We need to stop being divided. We need to pray for those who are hurting. We need to pray for those who are angry, that you may grant them peace. We need to pray for those who are facing the horrors of injustice. We need to stand together united.

We are the United States of America. Not the Divided States of America. There is one enemy: Darkness. He can only be driven out by your Son, Jesus.

God, I know your hand is still over America. Despite what some may say. How? Our forefather's faith. You are a God who stays true to your promises. Have mercy on us. Moses intervened for his people when they disobeyed You. Remember the faith of our fore father's. That they made a country that embellished on our coins "In God We Trust".

Don't forget us, Father. Remember your faithful ones. Don't turn away. Heal our land.

Because my beautiful America is in need of your renewal.

My beautiful America is broken, but at her core, she still holds true.

God Chose My Brother

For those of you who don't know, God chose my brother to serve Him in Moldova for a year.

Some who have known my brother for a while, know how much this tiny, little country has been on his heart. Some may have even told my brother, "Why would you go there?", "Don't you know how dangerous it is to go there right now?", "Haven't you seen the news about all that is happening in Europe?"...just probably some of the things we've heard in the last few months.

Well, here's a sister perspective. I've known Dain for all my life. Heck, I was the one who watched him zoom around our house, making my parents heads spin. I've seen Dain burn things with magnifying glasses, run into things, obsess over the funniest things and fall into camp fires. Literally. That happened once.

Once Dain has something on his mind, he won't stop thinking about it till he does something about it. The world would sometimes point at this and put a label on this. Almost in a negative way. We have all done this. But God grabbed a hold of that. He saw that it was good.

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Now fast forward to many years of growing in our relationship with God. I have seen my brother become a completely different person from when we were little. Growing up with him (Dain, I love you), was not always easy. We would fight. Constantly. We had so many differences. He'd say things that really pushed my buttons. We'd be so nasty to each other, but we were always going to be siblings.

I'll never forget a phone call that I got from a friend when I lived up at Mt. Hermon. She said this,

"Jessie! Your brother has started to come to small group. He's been coming to church more and he's getting involved."

My brother and I grew up in the church, but I longingly ached that he would come to youth group and grow more and learn more about who Jesus is. I wanted that for him despite how crazy growing up was. After many years of praying, it finally happened.

It's been years since that, and I've personally seen my brother change. He's grown up. However, some people may say it's because he's older now, but no. I have seen his heart change. I have seen fruit in his life that he didn't have once before. How did this happen? Only one person can do that. That person is Jesus. Jesus happened.

When you encounter Jesus, not with what the world says about Jesus, but with what the Bible says about Jesus. Lives are transformed. Hearts are changed. This is how Saul's become Paul's.

And believe me when I say this, Jesus, whether you believe in him or not, changed my brother's heart.

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When my brother first went to Moldova, a lot of people couldn't believe it. I was one of those people. I was one of the skeptics and I was the one that wasn't sure.

MY brother, God?

However, when the missions team got back, people were floored. Out of all the people God chose to use, it was my brother. My brother, my friends would say, was the biggest, most influential person they had on that trip. He had such a tremendous gift with the youth out there in Moldova.

My brother, whom the world thought was not the most "obvious" choice, was the one who closed the gap between two cultures. God chose Dain. Because God doesn't work the way the world does.

When God chose David to be King of Israel, David wasn't the most obvious pick either. When Jesus met Saul on the road to Damascus, he picked him to help build his church. RIGHT?! Saul...the dude who was out and about killing and persecuting Christians. Jesus came down and chose HIM. WHAT?! His life was transformed. That's when he became the Apostle Paul.

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So with all this writing and random thoughts about my brother going to Moldova, the one thing that comes to mind is this....I am SO incredibly proud of my brother. Not just because he's going on a missions trip, but because he is faithful to God's call. And you can literally see the Gospel changing my brother. It all points back to Jesus.

You see, when God calls you and when you choose to obey that call, He is faithful. I am excited to see what God has in store for Dain.

Many people have asked if I am scared for him or worried. Thinking about it for a while, I can honestly say 'no'. Why? Because the God of Israel is watching over him. Because we need to have faith.

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Dain, if you are reading this, I love you so much. I may not always express it, but I am so proud of you. I have been thinking and praying for you. Do not forget to put on God's armor every day. You will be challenged and you may experience some hardships, but don't get discouraged by this (Romans 5:3-5). Remain close to God because He will always deliver you. Trust Him above all else. Know that He has chosen you to deliver the Gospel to kids who are so in need of seeing Christ's love just as you have experienced. Know that He is proud of you for having faith and answering his call. Most importantly, pray and never stop praying. All the while knowing that your family and friends here are also praying for you.

I love you, Dainers <3


Love,

Jessie